The painful Confession: No second chance for our love

"I'm sorry i betrayed you and the love you had for me but i believe what we have is definitely preserving". This words escaped my lips so unconvincingly that was almost sure that it was never going to make any meaningful impact in helping my situation.

He used to be the nucleus of my whole existence. How did we get here? These thought raced through my mind as i tried imagining what my life will look like without my BIA.

I've known him all my life. He lived not very far from our house and we attend the same church. He was a very active member of the church. Quiet, fair, handsome and well mannered, virtually everybody in the church knew him. He finds time whenever he comes home on holidays to help out in the church tutorials organized to help out younger children in the church with their studies.

 I was in SS3 the year turned 17 and just started attending the church tutorials for those in exam class. Benson, (my BIA)  who was just ordinary at the time was teaching us mathematics. I wasn't very good at Mathematics, so i paid extra attention to his classes and asked lots of questions. I do take some very difficult questions i couldn't solve personally to him. I was amazed at the ease with which he solved these questions like they were glasses of milk. He was in 300 level in the university of Portharcourt where he was studying computer science. And I wanted to become just as good as he is in mathematics.

The more i confronted him with problems, the more i admired and respected him. He loved my courage and determination. He always smiled at me whenever i catch him stealing glances at me. We started spending more time together solving maths problems and gisting. I was falling in love with him.

I never had a boyfriend before BIA but i've heard my friends narrate their romantic escapades and tales about their boyfriends. I read a lot of James Hadley Chase, so i knew i was falling in love with BIA. but the question is, does he feel the same way?

One day after our tutorial class, he called me aside to announce that he was nearing the end of his holidays and will be leaving the next week. I felt bad, but the next words that came of his lips was magical. He said "Njide, you contributed so much in making my holidays fun and i think i'm beginning to like you. i will miss you". That was all the chyking/wooing/spinning i needed. And so the 3 years relationship that's presently on the verge collapse started.

Fast forward to 2 years later, BIA and I have become best friends and lovers remaining faithful to the virtues we grew up with. Our love grew from strength to strength despite the considerable distance between us. Thanks to night calls, fabebook, 2go, bbm, whatsapp, skype which helped us shorten the distance considerably.

BIA graduated from the university but i still haven't gotten an admission into any university in the country. I had joined the league of Jambites. My dad decided to send me to a university abroad to study. That was how i found myself in south africa.

We still kept in contact the usual way but it was becoming more difficult and frustrating. BIA was doing the mandatory 1 year National Youth Service corps program. He was always busy in the days and tired at night. We kept trying our best to keep up.

We were managing fine until BIA's excuses became more frequent. He was always busy at work. He stopped calling stopped texting and was always quick to end my calls with the excuse that he's busy and wiill call me back later. Calls that never came. And for the first time in my life, i felt so lonely.

And it's this loneliness that brought me to the situation i am in right now. i cheated on my BIA. I am sorry i cannot go into the details but it happened so fast. I was so lonely and needed attention and a smart guy obviously took advantage of that. I hated myself afterwards. I cried for days. How could i have done this to BIA, my own BIA.

And just as if he was given a clue, BIA called to apologize for not giving me enough attention of late. He blamed it on a project he was handling. He was done with the project and have called to make up for loss  time with the love of his life, his sweet innocent Njide. If only he knew that his priceless Njide has betrayed him.

While he talked in his usual warm and polite manner, tears flowed down my eyes. My heart was filled with unimaginable pain. I felt heavy like a huge rock was hung around my neck. i couldn't take it anymore. I needed to let it all out.

Before i could hold myself back, i was already crying aloud with a confused BIA asking why i was crying. "I cheated on you" i said in a shaking voice. There was absolute quietness at the other end of the line. "I'm sorry" i continued. But I got no response. "BIA! talk to me" i cried yet no response. Then suddenly i heard the tone... The call has been terminated.

For days to come, BIA refused taking my calls or replying my texts. I only got text from him since and the text reads "you were the most important part of my life and i trusted you. but obviously the trust was misplaced."

I've killed myself all by myself. And suddenly i was regretting why i told him about it. We would've still been the way we've always been.

Really? Do you think things would've been the way the way they used to be if i hadn't confessed?

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